The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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