we have pet lesbian snakes
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
