it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
