I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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