I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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