Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize