another moral hangover. fuck.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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