Banned from zoo.
Again?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
