he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
