we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
