The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
