nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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