I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
