every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
