So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
