Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
