I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
