ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
