you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
