I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
