I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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