Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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