I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
