she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
