even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you had me at cake vodka
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
