So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
