When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
