Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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