Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
