I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
