i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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