Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
