Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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