A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
