Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
