I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
