His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
