my phone needs a breathalizer
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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