my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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