My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
