READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
