I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
