you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
