I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
