If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
