to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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