I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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