Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
