yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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