I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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