the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
