I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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