I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
