You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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