shes about as inviting as chlamydia
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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