well I can't set my house on fire every night
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize