Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
