I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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