Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
