I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
