He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
