Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
